that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They have beer where we have blood.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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