I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
