So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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