Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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