I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
