she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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