My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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