Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
