i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
