i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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