i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize