I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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