A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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