I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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