it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
We left the knife in your bed.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
