He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
