Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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