On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
