im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
