Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
