Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
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