just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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