picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
