i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
