Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
