she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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