I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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