so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
whose ass print is on the piano?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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