I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
