Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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