I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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