I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
