I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
