Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
