In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
