Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
vagina is talking i cant
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
