my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize