my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
