I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
