i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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