How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
