just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
