We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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