Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
