It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
