Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
