do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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