I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
