Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
