He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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