Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
