I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
