My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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