The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
ttyl tear gas
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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