I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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