Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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