I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
