i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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