sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
