like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
