You're my little dorito
On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize