I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize