Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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